My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
