just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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