I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
