What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
