I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize