Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
