I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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