the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
