I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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