This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
