the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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