My cat gives me a boner
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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