we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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