What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
