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I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just invented taco cereal.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
