i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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