and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
