No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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