you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
