Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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