I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Houston, we have a blender
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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