I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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