I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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