I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
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Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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