i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
