Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
