Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I look better un-naked...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
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Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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