i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
