I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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