you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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