Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
