New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
