Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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