Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
