I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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