Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
