Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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