nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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