We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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