Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
