Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
