I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
