Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
