I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
