And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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