Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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