I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
