Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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