so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
