No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
