Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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