The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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