"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
