I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
