If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
