Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
