and i looked up. we had an audience...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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