I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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