dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
