i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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